Bumper Stickers

I once heard Demetri Martin say, "I love bumper stickers because they allow me to spot a jerk from a distance." I think that's both funny and true. The vast majority of bumper stickers I see are extremely polarizing. They're almost always either eye-rollingly liberal, or make-me-wanna-puke ultra-conservative.

"Trees are the answer" (Maybe, but what's the question?)
"War is not the answer" (What if the question is, "What did congress declare after Pearl Harbor?")
"Love is the answer" (Especially if you attended Woodstock)
"Jesus is the answer" (to every Sunday school question EVER)
"Coexist" (Translation: I'm a pluralist who thinks all roads lead to nirvana)
"Support Our Troops" (often a conservative's choice, as opposed to...)
"Support Our Troops by bringing them home" (often a liberal's choice)
"Don't blame me, I voted for [opponent of the most recent president for whichever party they hate]" (Most commonly inserted names: Gore, Kerry, McCain)
"Native" (I think this example is unique to Colorado? This sticker is similar to the condescension of natives from Hawaii who say, "I grew here, you flew here")
"I navigate using NOAA charts" (Yes, I actually saw this one [NOAA stands for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration]. I really have no idea what it means)
"God is dead -- Nietzsche" (The athiest's choice)
"Nietzsche is dead -- God" (The evangelical-who-thinks-he's-funny's choice - but at least this one's true, and sort of humorous)
"Jesus was NOT a republican" (Which is true, but makes me think about how stating other anachronistic fallacies don't work as bumper stickers: "Julius Caesar did NOT own a wristwatch!" or "I could beat Einstein at halo")

I also hate bumper stickers that make sense ONLY to the person who owns them. A sticker on your car that says "RD" or "J.A.Z." doesn't promote anything, it just takes up space on your otherwise nice car. People have to know what you're referring to for it to be promotional.

The bumper stickers I love are funny ones that make absolutely no moral or political statements at all. I saw a Jeep the other day with a sticker that was upside down and backwards that said, "If you can read this, flip me over!" I thought it was funny.

The unfortunate thing is that I am drawn very strongly to bumper stickers and I want to read every one I see. This usually causes me to judge a person (because they're usually of the polarizing variety listed above). But sometimes, like in the case of the upside down and backwards sticker, it simply ends up being dangerous, because I have to get close enough to read it, and I have to take my eyes off the road to read it. I swear the closest I ever come to getting into an accident is when I'm trying to read bumper stickers (not that I come close to getting in accidents very often -- don't worry).

WARNING: CHANGE OF TOPIC

Why are drivers so awful? I'm a pretty good driver, and it takes almost NO real effort on my part for that to be true. Yet rarely does a day go by that I don't encounter a driver doing something stupid and unsafe.

We love to pass laws about driving to make things safer, but I think the roads would be safest if we just required people to demonstrate some basic safe-driving ability before giving them a license! It'd probably take 70% of Denverites off the road instantly, which has the further advantages of reducing pollution and shortening commute times!

(That was my high-horse. Stepping down now...)